2024: The Year I Love. My Year of Yes.
Including a poem by me.
There is an old Igbo saying that goes “Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe.” Meaning, if you agree/say yes, your Chi/God will say yes too.
Last year, when I randomly wrote this post, I didn’t know I was writing it to and preparing for my future self.
That future self who will 3 months after writing it sit in her room in her house with the answer to a long prayer and realize this thing she was holding, doing, wasn’t what she wanted anymore.
There was no more joy, no more excitement, no more fulfillment. And she cried confused cos what next now?
‘If I don’t want this what do I want? How do I pray or hope or search if I don’t even know what I’m looking for?’ ‘Won’t God think I’m unserious and move on from me?’ (He won’t, ever.)
(If this were a movie, maybe What Was I Made For by Billie Eilish will start playing now. Do it!)
It’s difficult to be in transition. To stop. To pause. When you’re so used to constantly moving. It’s extremely hard to let go of what you’ve always known for an unknown. Even when it’s no longer working out. But that’s the beginning of growth. (Side note: at a point last year, I would randomly burst out singing Big Mouth’s theme song about going through changes. Felt like an appropriate theme song for my life too.)
Sometime last year, I had a brief thought. I call it a ‘waka pass’ idea. I didn’t pay any attention to it, it didn’t even stay long — just waka pass. Till it came back again this year and this time as a main character sitting gallantly on my mind, demanding acknowledgment.
Looking back at that thought plus some old tweets from last year when I just turned 26, I know that none of my desires today are sudden. I only needed to get to the point of acceptance. And that’s the beauty of time btw. It helps you unravel, makes the blurry clearer, and helps you learn to stand and walk. Gives you perspective. Allows you become.
Because after all my struggle, fear, worry, etc. I’m more than confident saying to myself and to anyone who cares to listen that I’m no longer interested in being a writer in/for tech (copy, SEO, UX, etc). I have exhausted all my desires and dreams for when I started this journey in 2019 and I’m ready to move to something that’ll make my feet tingle again.
(Update added March 11th 2024 about the beginning of a new adventure for me. I wrote about that in a following essay titled ‘Won’t You Celebrate With Me?’ But finish this first!)
Last year was the darkest of nights for me. I was sad a lot of the time, anxious a lot of the time, bitter a lot of the time, alone (cos I isolated myself) a lot of the time, hopeless yet hopeful a lot of the time too.
I started it with a contract I call poor, especially in comparison to where I was coming from and all I had made. So I was eager to end it in Q1. I was hopeful that with this done and gone, the better I desired was surely going to come. April, May, June, and so on, nothing came. All I had was a much tinier freelance writing gig plus the now-and-then writing jobs I got on the side. (Well, until November).
(If you’ve never fallen in your life, I sincerely pray you don’t. Even though falls are usually followed by a rise. Because of the way I fell, and suddenly? I pray you don’t. I pray I never do again.)
Last year I developed a new fear of mornings cos while everyone woke up and prepared to start their productive days, I woke up and sat down hoping and waiting. Maybe today will be my day. I woke up to continue job hunting. I woke up to rejections. I woke up to something telling me ‘You have no purpose, you have failed.’ I woke up to regret my decision to write when I could have taken a 9–5 like my mates. I would have been miserable but with no financial anxieties at least.
Sometimes I would sit on my patio and think how even the security was at work and there I sat, with nothing.
Why was nothing working for me? What was I doing wrong? Had my God forgotten me? Had my God failed me? Maybe I hallucinated this God and every success I had attained until 2023 was luck and my luck was now over. Maybe.
In all the ways 2023 hurt me, there were a few goods. Only 4 from my count. But very important 4.
- Time and discipline to FINALLY focus on losing weight and building a healthy routine. I set a goal to lose 20kg and I lost 19.something kg (approximately 20).
- Clarity. Cos now I know what I want and what I don’t. I’m also learning to sit with myself and ask what I truly want and examine my whys.
- It brought me closer to God. For reference, Nathaniel Bassey was my top artiste in 2023. I held Jesus’ shirt all through.
- I started writing creatively again. Before I was a UX or content writer, I wrote stories and poems. Look through my Medium, I started this account to share stories. Till a new goal hijacked it and I (temporarily) lost the ability to write creatively.
Writing creatively wasn’t even a dream I dreamed of anymore. Wasn’t necessarily a thing I hoped for cos I fully believed it had gone. So when it came back??? When I found poems coming to me again, continuously? I remember feeling like Hailee Steinfeld playing Emily Dickinson in Dickinson on Apple TV. Writing again was maybe my first real feeling of joy in the year.
The first 3 quarters of 2023 felt like a bone in my throat. Q4 felt like getting it out. The comfort isn’t complete immediately but at least it’s better. That’s the only way I can think to explain it.
For many people, maybe even you reading this, faith and God are not your thing. Not a problem. I honestly don’t care about who believes or not. But for me, my faith in God is a pillar. It’s what keeps me floating on many days when I’d rather sink and drown.
The day before I turned 26 last year, I cleaned my house and then knelt to pray. I never kneel down to pray except it’s serious business. I was sad and heartbroken because I wasn’t where I hoped or wanted to be. To me, I was a failure. I had written myself a letter I was going to receive on my birthday morning and all those expectations I had listed there, I had none. Nothing was working. So I knelt down to pray. And cry. And beg God. And ask him why. What to do. Where to go. Please remember me. And I remember clearly hearing in my spirit/my heart ‘You will see the goodness of God again’.
So I picked up my phone, Googled what scripture this was, and found it — Psalms 27: 13.
13 [ What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living!
14 Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.
On the days I want to give up, I’m grateful for the little voice inside of me that reminds me of this. That sings it repeatedly. I’m grateful for the last drop of strength I have to tell God sternly ‘Except you are a liar, I believe I will see your goodness in my life. And I’m still alive, so show me!’
In 2023, I wrote over 38 poems. 13 — 15 of which I put into a chapbook collection. Half of these poems are written to God. Maybe fighting him, maybe begging him, maybe looking for him. But they’re written to him.
I also started writing a short story about a woman who kidnaps God and makes him (figuratively) dance for her — basically she becomes his God. Maybe I should revisit this and try to finish it. (But my brain is too focused on reality to immerse itself fully in writing speculative fiction. I’ll try though.)
The point is, I spent a lot of last year looking for God and wanting to fight him. So when you read some of the stuff written by me in 2023, allow it.
2024, I started drafting a poem I may call “Who is God?” I’m still dumping sentences in notes app but an unedited line from it reads:
I told God to fight someone else, someone his size and he kept fighting me. Maybe because I am his size, maybe because I too am a god and I need to stand in that knowledge confidently
Recently I asked someone a question about how to strike a balance or tell the difference between waiting on God and just being lazy. Especially when God isn’t answering, quickly. She replied acknowledging it could be hard but something someone told her once was to step out/make a move/take action in faith. Show God you want a thing and if it’s good, he’ll help. If it isn’t, he’ll redirect you. But you must make that first step.
It got me thinking about how much of my life I leave up to chance. I used to be an active intentional participant in my life and my dreams. Then somewhere along the line I got too comfortable with all I had achieved, I wasn’t necessarily moving with intention. I was going with the flow — chasing a pay check. So when that flow was disrupted last year, I damn near lost my mind.
I’m realizing how much I needed to be shaken up to remember the 22-year old me who wasn’t afraid to want a thing and move towards it. The girl who turned down a job at a consulting firm to write. The girl whose bravery was the foundation for the life I had lived all this while. I had gotten too comfortable with what was in my hand that I had limited myself and put myself in a box. And had gotten too lazy to do more than was required from me by jobs.
I hate to admit that, but it’s the truth. What was my own dream? What were my own goals? I don’t know. When Omah Lay asked in Reason “Are you having fun or are you doing this thing to survive?” I had no answers. In a journal entry from July 18th, 2023 I wrote something about how I thought God was reminding me of my abilities. To quote parts of it:
‘I think that right now God is teaching me or reminding me that I am a writer.’ ‘That I became lazy. That I gave up on me. That I am capable of so much at once. That I am a writer. That I should write. That I should write. That I should write words for myself, for my dreams. That I should imagine again and create again and build again, for myself too. That I should put myself first. That I should also ask me “what do I want” and do that.’
“This life na one no get another one I go take am do wetin I love.” Asake, 2023 (Lonely At The Top).
Ending of 2023, I mentioned and wrote down that all I wanted from 2024 was for it to be the year I love. A year filled with love. A year I got to do the things I love, be surrounded by love, be showered by God’s love that even those who don’t believe in God will look at me and tell me my God loves me. A year I look back on and always reference as a year I truly love. A year that feels like holding hands.
Now though, I’m also calling it my year of yes. Like Shonda Rhimes who had a life-changing year where she said yes to herself, her dreams, and the right opportunities damning fear, I’m saying yes to myself this year. And believing that my bold yes will compel my Chi to say yes too.
So here’s a few ways I’m surrounding myself with love and saying yes to me:
- I made a short-term goal to take myself out every Monday in January and do something nice for me. Aside from January 1st when I was sick, I’ve done this on the other 3 Mondays.
- I have submitted 5 poems to 2 different literary journals. 3 to one and 2 to another. Fingers crossed I get my first acceptance and publication soon. I’m still working on sending out more.
- I applied for 2 writing fellowships/workshops. One for poetry and the other for fiction. I almost gave up on the fiction one cos the application was long, but I completed it!
- I have officially announced to everyone who comes my way that I’m no longer interested in tech writing jobs. I want to work in Localization, Accessibility, and UX Research now. So send those opportunities to me. This is my LinkedIn. I’m saying yes to a new career focusing on an area I really like. Oh, I also want opportunities that will let me travel — I renewed my international passport for this reason.
- I’m also learning to speak, read, and write Japanese. Starting with learning how to write though. Right now I can transcribe a few words including my name and write sushi (すし), sashimi (さしみ), teriyaki (てりやき), and a few other words in Hiragana.
- I’m on a quest to become a culinary master in either French toast or Asian breakfast. I haven’t decided yet. But like Chef Adam Sobel is called the king of pork and Chef Maneet Chauhan is the ‘dancing spice queen’, I also want to be the queen of something too. Just for the fun of it. I’m not looking to ever compete, please. I may document my journey on my foodie Instagram so follow me there. At the end of the year, I’ll like to host my friends and loved ones and make them a spread of whatever food I choose.
- Making a conscious effort to buy my people gifts. I’m not a gifter. But I want to do better now.
- I have written 2 poems this year. This essay (is that what this is?). And started work on another poem I’m hoping to enter into a competition.
Younger baby girl me when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up would tell you she wanted to be a doctor and an author. The doctor part died even before I was a teenager cos what’s that about? But I always wanted to and did write stories even when I hadn’t summoned the courage to share them with people.
Something I used to tell myself when I still wrote content and copy was that ‘a writer is a writer.’ Maybe that’s true. But it wasn’t true for the dream I had to write stories and poems. Yes, dreams can evolve. But this wasn’t an evolvement. It was a complete abandonment.
Anyhoo, I have now worked on a chapbook and I have no idea how to handle publishing or what to do next. If you do, please reach out to me at ebosejenna@yahoo.com. I need all the help I can get.
I don’t know what my goal was when I started writing this — what was initially supposed to be a simple LinkedIn post. Maybe it’s an update to this one I wrote in 2019. Maybe it’s to always remind me (and you) to get up, decide the type of life you want, and fight for it.
I don’t know.
All I know is I turn 27 in exactly 3 months from today. Late 20s. A big girl. And when I get there, I want it to be a place that’s gloriously mine. I don’t want to live my life seeking survival at the expense of my dreams or joy. I don’t want life to just happen to me anymore, I also want to happen to life. I want to ask what I want, say yes to it, move towards it, and believe my God will too.
After all he says in Hebrews 4:16 to come BOLDLY.
In the first few lines of this unnamed poem — one of my favorite poems ever! — in Book of Hours, a collection by Rainer Maria Rilke, he writes:
God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Those last 4 lines are exactly my plan. To go to the limits of my longing. To dream as big as my mind can. To embody the one who made me. To boldly demand of myself, of people, of God whatever I desire.
But also, as I wrote in my review of Tina and Sydney’s relationship on The Bear, to keep my hands and heart open to change and redirections.
Ending this with a poem I wrote on the 28th of December last year. It’s about my 2023, written like my 2023 was. So if you notice it has no punctuations, things are confusing, all over the place, etc. it’s all on purpose. A beautiful mess.
